My Top 3: Worst Halloween Candies

As adults, we have the luxury of dressing up as ghosts and hobos any old day of the week and going door to door in the neighborhood to ask for candy. This may be why I'm forced to move around so much, but the upside is that every now and then someone actually makes with the candy. But just because you return home with a pillowcase full of sweets doesn’t mean you’re in for a treat. Some of those saccharine delights are tricks of demonic proportions. Here are the three candies that deserve a serious egging should your neighbors have the gall to hand them out on Halloween, or whenever you show up dressed as Dracula’s shabby cousin.

3. Necco Wafers

Catholics get those flavorless wafers at Sunday mass, and let me tell you, those things are Snickers fun-sized bars compared to the chalky horror of Necco Wafers. Sure, they come in tons of flavors, but nobody tells you the flavors are actually Vomit, Dust, Boogers, Spoiled Treacle, Mold, Bile, and Liver. Handing these out is a sneaky way of telling the neighborhood kids you’re sick and damn tired of their footballs and Frisbees landing in your yard, but they won’t realize that until they've bitten into one of these discs-o-death. Gag me.

2. Circus Peanuts

C’mon, these things aren’t even in a bag for Christ's sake. They’re in a weird paper pouch you twisted up so it seems “safe” but Lord knows how many people have been handling these things since they were found beneath the bleachers at the local carnival and swept into bags and shipped to stores. They’re soft and pasty because they’ve been rotting away for at least a decade before purchase. Don’t eat these. They go in and never come back out. They’re the type of thing Doc Brown wouldn’t even use in his DeLorean Time Machine for fuel if he found himself stranded in the middle of a zombie apocalypse.

1. Mystery Candy

What the hell is this crap? There’s no name, there’s no cartoon mascot, there’s no indication of flavor, only an assurance that if you forgot what your own pancreas tastes like, you’ll remember real quick once you try to bite into one of these. Chowing down on these brandless deviants only results in you tearing eleven of your teeth out trying to mash it up and swallow it down. It’s basically made of a bad batch of super glue someone chipped off a factory floor and tied up in black and red tissue paper. If Santa was in charge of Halloween this is what he’d give bad kids instead of coal. Because coal actually tastes better.

How about you? Any hated candy I missed?